Now, I’m almost positive that just by reading that title you were expecting something along the lines of nausea and back pains. While that is a huge issue for me, that’s not what this is about. In fact, it’s not even close. I can’t help but notice that with each child, each time people found out, how they’ve reached out. What bothers me most is I hadn’t talked to most of these people in years. I appreciate the congratulations and the “I’m happy for you”, but I’d prefer that they be kept. And this is where things get hard for me.
Recently, I had someone reach out to me that I went to school with. I do not have a problem with this person at all which I want to make clear, we just haven’t talked in two or three years now. In their short message they were basically saying how I forgot them which I knew was a joke and I’ll tell you what my response was. “Nah you know we getting older & life happens. Just keeping up with who keeps up with me, but how you been?” Those were my exact words. They didn’t say anything wrong I’ve simply grown out of feeling like I have to feed into what I don’t feel. We haven’t talked and I truly believe that had they not saw the pregnancy announcement they wouldn’t have reached out. It was two days after both my husband, and I announced it so what else am I to think?
They never responded so I finally asked someone if they thought my response was rude. Of course, they said yes, but I still don’t think it was. I don’t feel a need to act like I don’t know why people are all of a sudden reaching out to me. My emotions and thoughts this pregnancy have been completely different than they were with my first two children. Yes, every child is different as every pregnancy is, but this is different different like too different. My patience won’t allow me to open up the way I used to. If that had happened a few months prior I can’t lie, we probably would’ve had a good ole conversation. But, again, it’s the timing for me and I can’t act like I don’t know.
This wasn’t a planned pregnancy and I know so many people will say something like, “At least you’re married” and that has nothing to do with anything. Married or not, that shouldn’t determine your choice of carrying a child, but I can’t tell anybody how to live. I feel like my brain is already fried, I’m always sick and tired, I can’t eat half the foods I love, and the thought of more babies is like …. WOW! I wish I could tell you exactly what I feel, but all I can say is that I feel like a different person. The further along I get I realize how much of a good thing this different person is. I don’t feel like I’m going to face what I did before. To be clearer, I cannot see myself dealing with people and things the way I did with my first two children. I am truly sad that it took for me to be pregnant again to understand that as a parent the feelings and wants of others don’t matter more than mine as my children’s mother, but we live and we learn, right?
My hope is that things become easier during this journey. I want to be happy and healthy and I want a happy and healthy baby as well. So far, I’ve been keeping my distance from those I know will/can bring any type of negativity my way. As I said earlier, I’ve simply grown out of feeling like I have to feed into what I don’t feel. In other words, I don’t want to feel like I have to put more work on my load by rekindling any relationships that haven’t been kept up this long. I understand someone checking on you, but I also understand choosing to not keep up with someone for years and expecting things to be the same. I keep telling myself that everything I’m feeling is because I’m pregnant when really, I already felt what I’m currently feeling about everything. Being pregnant has heightened those feelings and made me feel like it’s time that I actually do something about it.
The hard parts about pregnancy for me are those that surround me more than anything. With my other two I was on bedrest, stressed out, sick, but those I surrounded myself with were my biggest issue. I took so much shit from so many that I honestly did not feel worthy of being a parent let alone a friend. People were always giving their opinions, going in and out of my life, being there for my kids only when they wanted to show them off and now, I see the damage those experiences did. I know that I keep saying it, but I’m not going through that again. They say that everything happens for a reason and being as though this wasn’t a planned pregnancy. I’m thinking part of why I’m having this baby is to not just keep my word to myself, but to prove to myself that I don’t have to keep going through what I have before. Maybe this journey is the one I need to help me stop feeling bad about doing what’s best for myself and my family.