I thought that I needed more time for this one, but I don’t. Who I am now is more accepting to what’s happening and has happened. No matter how it may make me feel I don’t want to dwell on anything too long anymore. In the past I’ve done that and went to crazy lengths to figure out why whatever happened did, to prove myself and my worth and giving apologies that both were and weren’t necessary. The months that I took for myself helped me form my current opinions and feelings. And once I’m done with expressing this, I’m done with it for good.
Last year I took some months to myself. I wasn’t reaching out to much of anyone however I noticed that some people weren’t reaching out to me either. That was the first sign. When I decided that I’d had enough time to work through my personals, I then reached out to some people. January and February those reach outs occurred and I got no response. That was the second sign. Time passed – more for the January instances but I think that’s obvious, my bad – and still nothing. That was the third sign. I knew then that there was no need for me to revert back to my old ways of doubling back and reaching out to others to see what’s happening and trying to find clues. NO. Instead I did something I’ve needed to do for a while. I accepted that this is on me and while I’m going off pure assumptions – on their ends – I feel very strongly that I’m not too far off.
One thing I’ve always done is vent to my friends. Certain ones but it was enough of them. I’d talk about the same things over and over and this went on for years. Nobody ever really, I guess, spoke against me. In other words, nobody gave me that, “Get up off your ass and do something then” … until they did. I’m not going to say that I didn’t need it, but I am going to say that I damn sure wasn’t in a place to receive it. I could tell that my friends were getting tired because even the attitude with their responses started to change. So much so that one day an opinion was given to the point that they had to check up on me days later to make sure that I didn’t feel a way. I did but I didn’t have the heart to tell them then. My focus has always been not losing anyone so I’ve fed myself the belief that nothing could get ruined if I never said anything. So, I took everything thrown at me because part of me did believe that those who said things like, “I’m only telling you this because I’m your friend” meant it. The reality remains that their delivery still could’ve been better regardless.
Anytime I felt a way I’d just take some days off then bounce back. Thing is I never stopped venting, so I always felt a way. I could always sense the exhaustion in every interaction, and it was even harder with one because there was no way I could take the focus off of me unless I talked about something surface. They never told me anything and me, being who I am now, wishes they had never put themselves in a position to be there for me like that. I appreciate it but looking back I had no business making my friend my free therapist damn near every day. I piled my life on them because they let me, but I never really thought anything could be wrong in theirs. I really only ever sensed anything when I would talk about my issues, and I felt that shift was because of me talking about my problems again. With what I did know about them it wasn’t much that I could do but ask, “How do you feel?” or “Are you okay?” because it was touchy. I know I wouldn’t want anybody continuously asking me about something that I probably don’t even want to think about. Some things are bad enough to know so to keep talking about it, it’s just *sigh* Nah man, nah.
Sometimes you just know without having that confirmation. This, this is something that I know and I’m really okay with it. I feel like the time that I took off gave them time to look at everything too. I was surprised that I didn’t get the responses that I was expecting – that I was used to more so – but I believe that everything happens for a reason. I did have a conversation with one and I was happy to get it off my chest, but nothing changed. People get tired and I saw it before this even happened. I won’t lie I was hurt initially but, again, I had to look at everything. I was and am everything, so this is on me.
Truth is, even if I’m wrong on how they feel, this is still how I feel. I wholeheartedly don’t want to know the reason(s) why I didn’t get a response. I do know that I wasn’t the greatest friend in my eyes, and I could’ve not packed so much of my issues on them. I made them believe that I wanted my entire situation to change when what I really wanted was the people around me to change. No matter how stressful it might be I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I do wish that I could have a steady source of income though.
I apologize for being a selfish friend. I really hope that life is treating them well and continues to do so. These relationships taught me lessons that I can carry into future ones so that I don’t make the same mistakes again. I am grateful for that on top of the opportunity to experience them. And to anyone out here feeling like they can’t express themselves to their friends or they don’t want to and want to continue as if nothing is wrong. I’m telling you now, don’t do that. If you’re not going to speak up for yourself then walk away because you’ll be the one hurt in the end.
And to anyone who is currently using their friends as therapist it’s okay to an extent. So, here’s some advice so that you don’t make the same mistake that I made.
One more thing and this is for the friends that play the free therapist role. Please set boundaries because while we appreciate you, we don’t know that you’re tired of hearing our problems unless you tell us. Everybody isn’t like me. They won’t all notice or even care to notice so your ears will stay hot if you don’t say that they need to cool off. You’re allowed to not want to be the strong friend all the time or anymore, at all, if that’s what you want.