People lie, I get that, but everybody ain’t lying. When multiple people come to you about the same thing(s) it’s only so much of it that you’re going to willingly ignore. Well, that’s my case at least. The mess I dealt with last month was the push I needed to stop it exactly where it started. I’m not carrying any of it into the rest of the year or beyond with me. As much as I hate to admit it, I’d rather a person intentionally hurt my feelings and apologize for it later – which absolutely still happens – than to keep letting people sit in my face telling me that they didn’t do or say what I have been told they have on many occasions and never even let up on that lie. I know, it’s all toxic but there are times in life when you gotta choose between bad and worse. And I just so happen to learn that it’s time for me to start choosing. 

I wrote a blog post titled, “19 Days Into The New Year” and deleted it less than 8 hours later. Before I go any further, I want to be clear on the fact that I meant every single word that I said and I still stand on every single word that I said. So, if you got a chance to read it then you already know last month took so much out of me. However, I took it down after talking to someone who expressed genuine care and shared how they deal with these same things. After speaking with them I realized that it just wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth keeping up because it wouldn’t change anything except giving those people leverage to look like victims that they are not. I was giving too much energy to people that will never change so it’s best that I continue keeping my distance no matter how it makes anyone feel.

I notice that whenever I try to remove myself for a bit that’s when all hell breaks loose. I can’t show up to everything and for everyone and I really don’t want to. I am a person, with a family and I have my own life. In saying that, my confusion sets in because I feel that’s not respected. Why is it an issue for me not to show up? Don’t I have a choice? I’ve sat and thought about all of what happened and was said about me last month. I do wonder if any of what was said about me is true (for me) because an opinion is an opinion. I don’t feel any of it deeply though, but I can’t and will not tell anyone how to feel about me. However, I do feel deeply that (sometimes) people project. In other words, everything they don’t want to feel and/or believe about themselves is easier to hand down to me for the backlash. 

We are all taught that you should ignore things that you know aren’t true about you. But it’s a different feeling when it comes from those who are supposed to love you and know you best. It’s only February and I’ve already decided that going forward I’m blocking people and leaving them at our last unresolved issue. While I really do love communicating and getting things off of my chest so that we can reach a solution, as calmly as possible might I add. I also love not getting my hopes up. Some people truly aren’t worth the headache because they’re not going to own what they said or did. It’s always going to be a tit-for-tat match which is not ever necessary. I hate when people only express how they feel about me when I’m in the middle of expressing how I feel about them. I say it every single time, if you have any issues with me do not take them up with me ONLY when I bring mine with you, to you.

I don’t know about forgiveness, but I am definitely in a place where I am ready and willing to put some things behind me. It is easier for me now because I’m not trying to please anyone or live up to their expectations or letting them guilt me into doing things I don’t want to anymore. So, baby steps but steps, nonetheless.