The Pressure to Be …

I’ve been feeling this pressure to be many things, but present is top on that list. It’s also the only thing I don’t really want to be. I’ve caught the drift of people not understanding that I am truly, not even close to who I used to be when it comes to how I deal with others. I don’t have the same meaning for what a friend is, I don’t want to help everyone anymore, I’m not letting family manipulate me with that, “But we family” bs. I don’t know if I’m tired of what was or I’m in that much of need of something new, but right now space is necessary.

I went from feeling hurt and left out to debating when I’m going to block and/or unfollow people – from my phone and socials. While I don’t have any real issue(s) with anyone – aside from how they are and how they continue to treat me – I’ve decided that there’s no need to hold onto anyone anymore for the fun of things. It’s stressful and it confuses people. It’s one thing to be debating whether to stay or go with someone who’s consistent and making a difference in my life versus someone who only peeks their head in when something good is happening in their life or their other people aren’t available. Being completely honest it became easier to deal with the outside world when I dealt with the real with my own family.

I’m no longer forcing myself to take on more than I can and what I don’t want to. I do still feel bad here and there because I used to jump at every opportunity I could to show up for others. Removing myself has helped with that and I’ve gotten comfortable in my isolation. I am not at all saying that I want to be in this space forever because I very much enjoy getting out and having a time. But right now, I’m crossing off my list of names and those that I’m left with I am learning to nurture those relationships to my capacity.

Distance is key for me. When I started to notice things about my family it helped me take a step back from everything and reevaluate that guilt I was constantly carrying around with my relationships in general. I’d feel bad for missing a call, not responding when I didn’t want to or didn’t know what to say and anything else that required me basically not being present. Now, I know if my family reads this, I’ll more than likely get some blowback, but it is what it is. I notice that when they’re not talking to my mom nobody says anything to me either. Of course, the denial will force its way through but I’m not a kid anymore and I’m also not making myself reach out when I notice the change. It happens to be the same with those outside of family as well – not all though. Some people don’t talk to me until they see someone else doing so and it is weird. So, if I can stop talking to my own family and not feel bad, then why am I going to keep going through hell and back for seasonal people?

I face too much judgment because of my choices like being a stay-at-home mom to my choice to homeschool and limiting my socialization. It is beyond annoying at this point, so my presence isn’t something I’m offering. I find lately that I’m always helping or showing up for someone but they’re not doing the same. I’ve been showing myself grace though because that was me being nice thinking that maybe these people wouldn’t be that way. It’s okay either way though because I see it now. I can only take so much; I can only do so much and I’m only going to take and do so much. I don’t desire to be at every function, I’m not wondering why I haven’t heard from people anymore and I’m protecting my peace the way(s) I know how. In other words, if we have barely spoken, I’m in no rush to make room for you and I’m not exhausting my energy in things that mean me no good. I’m in a decent space right now and I don’t want to allow anyone to disturb that.

 Between journaling, reading, taking care of home, implementing more self-care and my overall well-being, I am full. I do desire better relationships, but I don’t have the tools that I feel I need to have such right now. My patience is very thin, my tolerance even thinner, and I’m speaking my mind more which much of nobody is used to. I am going through a journey of change and until I figure out who I am, what I want and am able to articulate what I am and am not willing to give, people will get me how they do. But understand that I’m always giving my best and that looks different each day. 

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