in 2022 …

I don’t know how I’m going to do it or what exactly has to be done, but I need to turn into an entirely different person this year. I’m giving myself this year to make specific changes and I’ll allow everything else to fall into place. There are three to four main things I want to seriously work on. I don’t feel like I’m a bad person – as most people don’t – but I am a bad when it comes to the way I allow others to treat me. That’s one of the many reasons that change is a must for me. Now, I’m not going to force anything because that’s part of my problem now. I keep forcing myself to make these big changes when I don’t even know how to deal with the small ones. So, baby steps and allowing things to happen naturally is how I’m coming.

Although I started in December of 2021, I’ve gotten into an actual workout routine (so far) this year. Most days I do not feel like working out but when I remember my “Why?” I keep going. I be slacking though I’m not even gone lie. And yes, I said it just like that. It still gets done though. I stopped with the “I need my body to look like this by the summer” mindset or the body goals mindset in general. And instead went from that to a simple mindset of wanting to be confident, comfortable and wear my weight well. That change of mindset came from me choosing to finally accept what is. I’ve had three kids, I have stretch marks that stretch from my stomach down to my vagina, up my back, some that look swollen, and after three pregnancies my body isn’t ever going to be what it was. I was 210 lbs my last child and spent the following month after birth in and out of the hospital. So, I’m no longer concerned about the six pack – although it be great to have – I just want my stomach flatter and to like how I look in and out of my clothes. My arms and stomach are the only things I have a strong disliking for on my body though so it’s not that bad.

Forgiveness is a big one for me this year because I endured a lot of unexpected pain by the end of 2021. I absolutely still feel a way about all of it, but I realize that I’m harboring a lot of anger from past and present issues which has been heightening those current emotions. From my marriage to certain family members, my husband’s family and friends. They know what they did so why do I need to remind them? Why do I need to keep pressuring myself to be around people who don’t care for nor respect me? Why do I feel such a responsibility to be better to them than they are to me? I know that “hurt people hurt people” and even though I know a lot of what’s been said and done to me wasn’t retaliation to anything that I did, I still can’t accept it anymore. They’ve taken advantage of me because they couldn’t say what they wanted to those who caused their pain and I accepted it like it was my job to do so. But I can’t be anybody’s emotional punching bag anymore.

My emotions and knowing where I stand with others are two more things I want to work on. I mean they’re like one in the same but not really. I know where I stand with others, but I act as if I don’t because deep down, I expect so much more from these people. Then, my emotions get involved – *cough cough* my feelings get hurt – and I’m sulking in this mood, wondering why they keep doing this to me. I don’t think there’s ever been anyone in my life who’s been straightforward with me in how they’ve felt nor they feel. Family, friends, others, nobody has been. Everyone just moves differently, and I can tell that I’m expected to fall in line because when I pose the conversation on the change and my disliking of it there’s never a resolution nor anyone expressing what they truly feel. And what I’m not going to do is spend the rest of my life going back and forth with anyone about my reaction to their action(s). So, I’ve simplified this change and now it’s give what I get. I spend too many days upset that someone didn’t text back but has been on Instagram even though they’re upset when I do it. Upset when someone doesn’t listen when I want to vent but always makes sure I hear every bit of what they need to say, someone being upset at my advice or opinion that they asked for when all they do is give their unasked-for advice and opinions. It’s been this take, take cycle and I’ve run out of things for people to take.

Patience is the last thing I’m going to talk about in this post. This one is needed for all of my changes, now and in the future. I know that things won’t happen overnight, yet I still act like I don’t know this. I want to be able to allow myself the space and time to understand that I can’t keep acting like these things didn’t happen. I believe that in order to heal from something – or at least not let it affect you so much – you have to accept that it happened then talk about how it makes or made you feel (if you can remember) because then is when space for resolution can be created. But again, that’s how things have worked for me.

I don’t want to be someone who constantly talks about things that bother me and never does anything differently. I kept saying I didn’t like how my body looked so I started working out. I kept getting off track with my water intake, so I purchased a water bottle that shows me exactly how much I drink. I keep saying that I want to go to bed before 4:30-5AM and I know that in order to do that I need to start winding down by 8-8:30PM. That way I have time to do my children’s night routine and be in my bed by 12AM. Easier said than done, I know, but that’s just an example of change and me working towards making sure it happens. I have high hopes for my mental health and overall progress this year. I have every intention to make sure I see these things through. 

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