On Wednesday, October 20, 2021, I had my first meltdown in almost two months. I don’t know exactly what I felt then no more then I know what I feel now, but I kept repeating “I was doing so good” afterwards. Something in me told me that the meltdown wasn’t supposed to happen but clearly, I could no longer fight it. I had been feeling overwhelmed, damn near defeated, for probably a week before it happened. I started picking apart all the changes in my life to see what had set me off like that and I came up with a list of things that have been affecting me. The issue with that? I kept saying to others and feeding to myself that I could handle these things and it’s obvious that I’m not doing too good with that (now) lie.
I fought so hard to get my mental in a space where I could fight off all negativities. In my past, afterbirth and general living wasn’t great mentally, physically, and emotionally so I was surprised with myself when I decided that I wanted to change. It had gotten so bad for me mentally that I had told my husband I wanted to check into a psychiatric hospital, and I was still pregnant saying this at the time. I was doing horrible, and I wanted to go for any solution to my problem. But with a decision like that I also have to keep in mind that I am a Black Woman – keyword: black – and doing so can affect my household as in someone taking my children even though they have their dad. I know that most of these doctors don’t really care about helping me and seeing how other black families have been affected lately made me afraid.
I’ve always felt uncomfortable being loud and proud about being Black in America, but too much is happening that’s starting to hit close to home. I’ve tried therapy, antidepressants and creating a list of people I could trust enough to talk to. I haven’t found a therapist I’m comfortable with or that I feel cares. I’m not trying to get back on antidepressants because I don’t want to keep putting stuff into my body not knowing exactly what it is and I’m starting to feel like it’s more of a mental thing. I don’t want to be dependent on something when it’s really my mind that’s doing all the work. And that’s no disrespect to anyone because again I was on them, but I feel different about them now. As far as that list of people, I’m just tired of things being one-sided at this point and now owning that our lives are completely different it’s hard to talk to them.
My husband started work a month ago and that has been hectic. I felt like I didn’t have enough time before but now it seems like there is no time at all. I’m talking to the point that I’m sitting here writing this post right now and if I don’t post it today it won’t get posted because I haven’t had any time to truly sit down and write the way I want to. If I’m not researching curriculum then I’m ordering household needs or responding to an email, that’s it. He leaves early and gets home late and works 45 minutes to an hour away from home, and that’s on a good day, so it’s a lot. While he’s at work I’m trying to avoid my children mimicking each other’s emotions, – which is where one child cries and the other cries just because she hears/sees her sister crying which sets off the other – I’m trying to make sure I keep all bottles and dishes clean, figure out what’s for dinner and that’s if I’m cooking that night, wash clothes, fold and put them away, I do still homeschool so mornings are usually just as hectic as nights if not more. I can keep going but I don’t even want to because I’m getting stressed sharing my reality and I really want to finish this post.
Homeschool is killing me and while it’s still something I want to do there’s so much going on that I need an entire, separate blog post to tell you about it. So, be on the lookout for that. The weather changing is also something affecting me, and I don’t remember it ever being this bad for me before. I am anemic so I am always cold, and I know that I have to be extra when it comes to layers and cold weather. However, these last three days have me sneezing and snotting as if it’s summertime and I’m rolling around in a pile of grass. My eyes are watering, lips are drying faster than usual, and I apply something to my lips often, my nose keeps running, my eyes are itching, my skin is dryer than usual, and I don’t like it.
Overall, life has been lifin’ and as you can see, I’m just along for the ride. I am literally figuring things out one day at a time because that is all I can do. I’m trying to stay away from anything and anyone that could potentially stress me out. I’m trying to create some type of structure inside of my household because a schedule just isn’t it. I’m learning to accept that my life isn’t the simple plan I map out daily in mind.