I’ve been trying to write this post for weeks now. I’ve had an idea of what I’ve been trying to say but spending the majority of my day in the ER on Saturday (August 21, 2021) helped most of my thoughts become clear. This pregnancy has been such a struggle that I’m spending more time crying about the fact that I’m still pregnant when I have issues going on around me that I cannot fix right now. I know that by my photo you were probably expecting this to be about my actual pregnancy weight gain, but what fun would that be? I mean, it’s pretty obvious how a woman who went from 130 (lb.) to pregnant to 200 (lb.) – I know it’s more – got there, right? I’m about to be all over the place with this post the same way this pain in my body is due to this pregnancy. So bare with me.
I had been having this unbearable pain in my left leg for three days, nonstop. No matter which way I twist or turned it didn’t go away. To top that the pain in my vagina is crucial when I move as well. I didn’t want to keep sitting around not knowing what was going on with my body. I finally gave the Dr a call and he tells me to come in so they can rule out the possibility of blood clots in my leg. Fast forward, I find out it’s sciatica and I’m 2cm dilated.
What tripped me out the most was when the Dr told me that there’s no guarantee the sciatica will go away after birth which could lead to possible back surgery.
Man oh man! I’m just all messed up (right now) and I’m really ready for this pregnancy to be over. This entire journey I’ve felt like as the day gets closer for baby to arrive, things get worse. We all have our times where we secretly ask, “Why me?” because life be going that hard sometimes, but I really want to know at this point. My family and I have been having issues in our home to the point that we had to leave for a few days. My oldest still doesn’t have everything she needs for school and I feel like no one is taking it serious because she’s homeschooling – and they don’t want her to. And what I’m not understanding about that is why is a child’s experience with learning such a huge deal to people who aren’t going to help her whether she’s in an actual school building or being taught at home by her mother? Financially, even breathing feels impossible in that area right now so I’ll let that alone. Outside of that it feels like I’m on this never ending, extremely high rollercoaster that only moves to higher levels and I hate roller coasters in case you didn’t know.
*also I just want to throw in here that I have been waking up in full sweats and it’s gotten so bad that I turn the air on full blast and have a fan directly on me and I’m still waking up drenched*
In all that I’m dealing with I don’t feel like it’s impossible to get through it. I just don’t understand why I have to go through it. Life is supposed to teach us lessons and I get that but something ain’t right about mine. I don’t know if life is trying to tell me I need to do something different which could be a simple, small change. I don’t know if it’s trying to tell me that I really need to let those people go that I’ve been saying I would for months now. I don’t know if it’s trying to tell me that I need to be a better mother than what I am. I don’t even know if it’s trying to tell me that maybe I’m not worthy of all the things I desire. I’m having a hard time but I keep forcing myself to hold my head high because I have little people that depend on me.
I’ve been doing much of nothing because, well, what the hell else can I do at 38 weeks besides what I absolutely have to do? Honestly, the real question is what do I even feel like doing this deep in my pregnancy? I haven’t been cleaning much, writing much, meditating much, cooking much, blogging much, creating much, I’ve barely even been on Instagram which shows if you follow me or visit my page often. Crazy enough, I wrote out an entire list of content ideas for myself to post for both of my pages and still didn’t do any of it. I barely have the energy and I know a huge part comes from the misery of still being pregnant. It’s really affecting me more than it ever did with my first two. I don’t want to jinx myself but I have to throw out there for those who don’t know that 2cm isn’t anything to necessarily be happy about because I can still not dilate for another week or so. Yes, baby is flipped and in position to come out, but I’m on her time. I’m just hoping she can find it in her heart to come on out of there like… NOW.
Pregnancy weight isn’t always about the weight you gain. Some of us carry a lot of weight from every day life already so imagine adding pregnancy to the top of that list. It only gets heavier and can possibly make things worse – which it kind of has in my case. All the belly rubs, foot rubs, back rubs and food in the world can’t help ease the pain when the real pain isn’t even coming directly from your pregnancy itself. I want support, I need support. I wish I had someone who could come help with homeschooling, who could cook for me when the baby gets here, sit with the kids for a bit so I can nap. I didn’t even mention that my husband starts school the week after our oldest so he won’t even be here to help – which is why I’m secretly hoping he can go virtually. But again, although it truly is a lot I still don’t feel like I can’t get through this. I just don’t feel I should have to when I’m surrounded by so many people with opinions. But that’s usually how it goes, right?
I hope that within the next few days baby arrives so I can start getting to know myself all over again and figuring out a schedule for all of us. I know it’s not going to be easy but it’s not impossible. Once everyone realizes that sleeping till noon is no longer an option, they’ll find a way to get it together. I hope that anyone going through hard times knows that they’re not alone. I’m a stranger to many but a listening ear to all because I know what it’s like to just need someone to talk to. I hope and pray the best for us all. We’re going to get through this and I can’t tell you how, but we will.