The Holidays are supposed to be a good time or so I’ve always made myself believe they’re supposed to be. You get together with your family, or you don’t, but the atmosphere during that time is simply different than the rest of the year – to me. But these last three years have been nothing short of the opposite. From not wanting to be around certain family to listening to people lie to myself and my children about what they’re going to do for them to not knowing if things have changed to people just not being in the holiday spirits. The holidays have been a blur for me since 2018 and I’ve been waiting for it to get better, but it just doesn’t seem to. At this point I feel a need to start something new that I can control so that I can stop looking forward to that yearly disappointment.

This year my husband, children and I traveled 30 hours, by car, back home for the holidays. We knew that we wouldn’t be able to stay for Christmas, but that doesn’t make the process any easier as the days near. Not to mention my great-grandmother died a few days ago and I was going to see her on my way home. Thanksgiving was enjoyable and we’ve had a pretty chill visit so far, but there is something bothering me. We’ve seen my grandparents, my youngest aunt and her three children, we’re staying with my parents, we’ve seen my husband’s father and two others, that’s it. What I want to know is where is the rest of the family that’s been missing us for two years? I’ve always listened to and watched people make post talking about how people say they miss you, but don’t come to see you when the opportunity presents itself because they want you to come to them and I’m experiencing that now, so I understand. This visit helped me stop feeling bad about not going out of my way anymore because my family is really spaced out and I’m talking 30 minutes to an hour to get to everybody. So, when you drive 30 hours to reach a destination you don’t want to feel like you’re doing another 30 just to see people who’ve been asking nonstop, “When y’all coming home?” and they’re nowhere to be found when you get home. My feelings aren’t hurt however I’m really disappointed. 

I’ve been bracing myself year after year, living by “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst”. The holidays are so important to me because I have children now. I want them to not just have gifts to open on Christmas day, but to get in the spirit and enjoy the days leading up to the big day. I want to create memories. I want them to decorate a tree and bake cookies and drink hot chocolate and enjoy Christmas movie binge-a-thons. I’ve had a few people tell me how I’m doing too much and even that it’s more so for me than the kids, but I’m over explaining myself. People will think what they want regardless of what I say anyway. I’ve always been the extra one, not my husband, so I don’t wait on him anymore at all. We were raised differently, and I realize that each year when we talk about what’s important and what’s not around this time. I can’t even tell you a time we had a family night with his family outside of once when his dad and sister played Speak Out with us and I pressed that. But I’m used to game nights and enjoying movies with my family and although it’s died down that doesn’t mean my children don’t deserve to experience it. I can’t make anyone do anything, enjoy anything or want to try something new, but NOBODY WILL TAKE EXPERINCING THAT JOY FROM MY BABIES.

I’ll remain hopeful no matter what because I believe that eventually things start to look up. In other words, things will eventually get better. I’m not ready for the ride back home, but I’ll be thinking of things to do for when we get back. This visit showed me more than I was ready to see, but it was necessary. This visit wasn’t just about the holidays it was to close doors and enjoy those who wanted to enjoy us, and we did just that. I’m not going back home feeling confused about anything. I saw family, met new people and even went out my way for a few others who did the same things to me now that they did when I lived here so I’m done making room for them because it’s clear to me that they haven’t changed. I feel whole like I came home to accomplish a mission and I did so much more than that. Now, it’s time to get ready for Christmas then head into the new year knowing that I closed 2020 out the way I’ve done no other year. The way I’ve wanted to every year, but this year, it just felt like it was finally time to close certain doors and stop the others from revolving. I feel better than I ever have, and I’ll tell you all about it in my next post where I wrap up 2020. So, be on the lookout for that.