This post was originally written Saturday, June 13, 2020.
We all get reality checks at different points in our lives. They’re those moments where we have that awakening feeling, if you feel, that makes us actually want to change. It’s those times where we decide that it’s finally time to let go, enough is enough. They happen more so when we least expect them to and they’re not always something we’re prepared for. Recently reality has checked me on the fact that I’m not who I was. It slapped me in the face when I heard that someone said something about me and knowing this person and our past, I know they said it. However, I didn’t get mad or even care to ask them which had me stuck for a few days. I usually would’ve jumped at the opportunity to say something, but after all these years I finally had that, “I’m sick of this shit” moment. I literally kept trying to get myself to say something… anything… and I did not. However, what really got me to notice my change was when I didn’t vent to either of the three people that I usually do.
Venting has been a huge part of my “get over it” process which is something I’ve been trying to break myself free from. Why? Well, I can’t act like I don’t realize that those I vent to are fed-up with my constant need to talk. I’m not upset, I’m just now fully accepting that people don’t always want to or know how to help, but they also don’t want to or know how to say that. It wasn’t until I became the listening ear that I caught on. Now, I didn’t mind listening however that constant calling and texting every single day is what I couldn’t deal with. I have my own life and my own problems, but I had to voice that because this person wasn’t going to stop the constant venting if I didn’t say something. It did take me a minute to speak on it because I didn’t want them to feel like I didn’t care or to be upset, but I wouldn’t have been able to go on without addressing it. I’ve been in their shoes, so I know what it’s like to vent so much to the point that you don’t even realize you’re venting too much. I stopped venting because I know what I felt is what those I was venting to do/did feel and I know it’s not easy to say that, so I said it to myself, for them. Deep down it was just something I felt needed to be done.
With reality forcing me to see things differently I also learned that I’m not incapable of hurting someone’s feelings, whether it’s done intentionally or unintentionally. And when I say unintentional, I literally mean whatever I said or did WAS NOT FOR NOR ABOUT YOU no matter how much you try to make it about you. Earlier this year I had made a post which led to someone thinking that I was talking about them. The way they called themselves confronting me was confusing, but that’s neither here nor there. Now, I NEVER SAW THIS PERSON AND MYSELF AS FRIENDS yet when it was all over I realized that they did. I’m not going to lie, it took me a few weeks to even acknowledge that fact because, again, I didn’t consider us friends AT ALL. I used to be the girl who thought because I was cool with you that automatically made you cool with me too. Then, I learned that that’s not how friendship works. Everyone doesn’t understand that it’s not that simple even as an adult. So, when I decided to put myself in their shoes, I instantly understood what they felt. They felt hurt because that post came from me and the shoe fit. I’ve felt this way before too because in the past, post from certain people have triggered me as well. Yet, I asked before I felt the need to fly off the handle. So, it wouldn’t have been that deep if they didn’t think I was talking about them.
I also feel like they wouldn’t have said anything if it wasn’t me because I catch that vibe often until I speak up for myself. I ended up blocking them but that didn’t stop me from seeing their shady post before I could do so and that takes me to my next reality check.
I used to sit and make post all day long, indirectly about whoever I had an issue with. Nope, this isn’t about to be a, “But they did it too” thing because so what, I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT. There were plenty of times when I knew things were directed at me because it would be a “1 min ago” post from the person right behind me and I’m wondering how they even read that paragraph in two seconds, but that’s beside my point. I had to stop the shady posting for myself because I would even block people and keep going because I didn’t care. All I saw was they have no reason to feel how they do, my feelings are valid and that’s that. What stopped me was the fact that I wasn’t getting anything from it. I’m going to leave this link to what also helped me see why I needed to stop. (Start at about 0:58 and just listen.) When she said, “Now how did your life change? … What positive happened in your life after you just tore that woman down?” I didn’t feel like I was saying anything damaging, but I started asking myself what was I really gaining from those post? Nothing, nada, but 30 minutes to an hour of my time wasted on someone I have no intentions on ever talking to again. It was more stressful knowing that adults twice my age would actually start or join in on these post then try to defuse them or find other things to do which also showed me the true meaning of “maturity doesn’t come with age”. I can only own my shit and that’s what I decided to do. If it ain’t directed, it ain’t respected, right?
I have this quote that I made and keep in mind now which is helpful. It has worked for me and that is, “You used to mean something to me, now you don’t. But that doesn’t mean I have to let the world know.” One, that’s legit how I feel about a lot of people and still feel about those I haven’t spoken to in years. Two, I have to do something better with my time than make it known we’re no longer cool and then have to explain it to the world – because I brought the attention when I started it – just to end up having regret in the end. However, I DO NOT FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT EVERYBODY. If it’s not worth it to me then it’s not worth it. Even typing this right now I’m sitting here regretting all those times I put my energy into going back and forth with people on social media about stuff they think they knew or heard from their “friends”. I gained nothing from any of that yet I gave those people what they wanted… a reaction. Some people make themselves look like an ass on their own. They don’t need my help so I’m leaving that alone.
I am at peace with each day that I accept what is in place of what I wish it was. Reality has been hitting me where it hurts, but this last thing is what gets me on the regular. And that’s the reality that everybody isn’t like me and isn’t going to be a me to me. We all think we’re good people in some ways, some more than others, but we all know that we have those good qualities about us. You know, those qualities that people compliment you on and remind you that those are the reasons they love and probably respect you. With that being said, I’m getting too old to still be expecting much of anything from people I’ve known for years and have seen no change. I’m getting too old to keep expecting people to not only understand where I’m coming from but to even see where (I feel) they’re wrong. I wish so many people could see who I’m becoming because they’re the ones who thought that I’d never get here and honestly, neither did I. I’m still the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, but I’ve learned to carry a jacket with me.