This post was originally written in April of 2020 – Sunday, April 19, 2020 to be exact – when I made the conscious decision to delete all of my blog post from June of 2013 up until March of 2020. I had been sitting on this decision for so long because I felt like I had something to prove and that something was how long I’ve been writing. What changed my mind was me wanting to feel free in every aspect of my life and that includes my writing no matter where it is or isn’t going and who is or isn’t reading it. Plus, it’s helping me with the “I don’t have to prove anything” part of life. Once I stopped feeling like it was my job to prove anything, everything started to flow again.
Side note: I only kept one post from 2018 because it legit means something to me.
I always hear that “people change over time”, but people change every single day if we’re being technical. And it doesn’t always take someone years to get better or worse. I’m not sure about you, but I don’t feel like some people change at all. I changed in who I am and in my writing, so I was no longer connecting with what I wrote seven years ago anymore. Rereading my older blog post made me ask myself, “You were literally writing just to write, weren’t you?”, and I damn sure was. I had set soooo many restrictions for myself. The way I just wrote “so” is a prime example because I wouldn’t write it that way before, ever. I had to post multiple times every week even if I had no content ready, I had to post for a different category each time, I had to minimize my writing, etc. I was stressing myself out about writing because I wasn’t doing it based off of what I was truly feeling.
The fear of hurting someone else’s feelings is what has truly stopped me from a lot of great pieces. I got some backlash from a few posts and I did entertain the bullshit that came with it, but I’ve dealt with that in my own ways and on my own time. Part of that was having to deal with people telling others about my post and making things seem the total opposite of what I had actually written – which they would’ve known had they actually read it. Someone had told me about an old acquaintance who was going around talking about me because they thought I blocked them from my Instagram. First of all, that’s super childish, PERIOD! Second, what was crazy to me was them holding up this lie because this same person was still following me and liking my pictures on Instagram daily. Once I found out about this lie everything I’m about to tell you made sense and it was clear [to me] that they just wanted to make whatever issue they thought existed worse. I did and still do create post notifying others when I write a new blog post. I mean, I have to promote myself right otherwise how would anyone know about anything that I do? Well, the person I had the issue with at the time was blocked months before that specific post was written. The next thing I know the person I had the issue with jumped to conclusions and I had to ask myself how would they have even thought I could be writing about them when I know for a fact, they had never read my blog before? Let’s get real here because you know like I know that the only way that person could’ve ever even thought I was talking about them was because that old acquaintance brought to them.
It’s situations like that, that would make me shy away from writing what I was truly feeling so I would write about something random just so I could say that I wrote something. That’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever done to myself as far as my writing goes because authors, or anyone for that matter, aren’t out here changing how they truly feel about others before they publish their work because those people can’t handle that they were actually wrong. So, why did I ever put myself in a bubble that made me force myself to either say nothing or entertain what someone felt after they did me wrong? I can’t apologize to someone for writing and/or talking about how they treated me. Had they been better to me I wouldn’t have anything to write about in the first place. The truth has three sides, right? So, why can’t I express mine through my blog while others express theirs to others and/or through shade on socials? I don’t use names in my blog either because I believe in protecting the identities of others, but it’s not hard for a person to identify who they are when they know what they did – whether they choose to admit it or not. It’s no more my job to protect the feelings of another than it is theirs to protect mine. You set yourself up when you don’t like someone yet you stay asking others if they talk about you and searching for anything they post to make it about you. That says a lot about you as a person and your conscience because if you truly “don’t care about them”, you wouldn’t still be finding ways to see what they’re doing/saying once the situation is over.
“I can only speak for me” is part of my signature because I want to make that very clear. I don’t want to make anyone feel how I do because that’s not my goal. You have your feelings while I have mine which brings me to part of my growth in [my] writing. I’m teaching myself to write from my healing and not my hurting. What I mean by that is if something happened yesterday, I’m not going to hop up and write a post about it today. Why? Because even though I am speaking on how I feel in that moment, that’s that moment. A week or two from now it may not even affect me the same way and I could’ve grasped an understanding from the situation that I didn’t before.
I’ve gone through a lot with myself when it comes to writing. What I write about comes from my real life experiences and emotions. I write to share and possibly help others, but most importantly I do it because I love it. However, I can barely share let alone possibly help anyone if I allow the restrictions of others to dictate how I can and cannot write. I’m stressed out the majority of the time, I curse a lot, I suffer from depression and sometimes it’s not pretty – like at all – and I have other struggles, doubts and things that I want to talk about. I should be able to write however I want without feeling like someone won’t ever come back because of the three curse words they saw or because all I write about is my life. I’ll barely have any post if I force myself to write about things I can’t truly relate to or enjoy. There’s an audience for everyone and I’m going to find mine. I have no issue starting over when I need to – which is why I deleted all my post from 2018 up to March of 2020 – so this is another fresh start for me. I HAVE EVERY INTENTION TO RECONNECT WITH MYSELF AND MY WRITING THIS GO ROUND.
2 responses to “12:36AM”
Great post! your message is beyond one person’s projections. Here for this as a new blogger who is finding her own rhythm in writing too! Keep going!
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